I received a call at work stating that I missed a federal jury duty a few days before and wanting to know why I didn’t show up. I was told that there were 2 misdemeanors in my name now for Failure to Appear and Contempt of Court. In a 20+ minute phone call, I was ‘transferred’ to 3 different ‘deputies’ who each explained a different part of the process to ‘clear my name’. Initially this involved going to the Federal court house in my town (and it had to be today), while staying on the phone with these deputies the whole time "incase someone pulled me over" and so the deputy on the phone could tell the police that I was on my way to the court house to handle this and they would let me go. They said I needed to go to the court house to submit a sample of my signature because someone had submitted my signature on the summons and they needed to see if it matched. After ‘explaining the process’ for over 20 minutes, they said I would need to go to Kroger and get a voucher for an EBT card with $3000 ($1500 for each of the misdemeanors) and then take that to the courthouse. I needed to place the EBT card and the receipt for it in a kiosk at the court house and that’s "how my fees would get paid". I hung up at this time. They continuously told me throughout the conversation that I "must write this down" including demanding that I tell them I wrote down the word ‘kiosk’ and each of the misdemeanors and each ‘step of the process’. The courts in my town weren’t even open the day of the phone call due to bad weather.